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ErinM31

properly jaded
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This journal is dedicated to the many beautiful people who also struggle with diseases of the mind, so wrongly dismissed and stigmatized. Depression, anxiety and other such conditions are as real as any other disease, even if they do not have easily diagnosed physical manifestations. That only makes it harder. People say it is "only" in your head but the pain of diseases they'd condone is also an interpretation of the brain. That is what pain is -- does it matter the cause? Depression is not weakness. Depression is not a choice. Depression is not something you need to just get over. If you suffer with it, know that you are not alone and there is help available. Do not let ignorant if "well-meaning" people tell you differently.

Well, Honey...You think depression is a choice?
Well, honey,
Do you think I choose
To feel worthless?
To feel empty,
To feel sick to my stomach because I think too much?
To feel broken,
Lost,
Constantly confused...
To feel hopeless,
Useless,
Stressed out,
Angry at myself..
To feel suicidal, sometimes without knowing a reason?
To feel the need to lay in bed all day,
Without moving a muscle,
Because getting up would just make me want to fall back down?
Honey,
Depression is never a choice.
You don't choose depression.
Depression chooses you.
We don't need ignorant people to choose us, too.
  an open letter to depressionsuicide princess,
I think you're half in love with me:
the way that you
follow me about, grab at my ankles,
tighten my veins
would almost endear me to you.
and in a certain masochistic way,
I nearly welcome your knock on my door,
the steady clink of your
instruments of torture—because
who would I be without this
choking disease
to carry around?
but sometimes, dear,
you impose too much.
it's all well and good
to write the occasional
woe-is-me
poem, to hold you by the hand
of a Saturday afternoon
when I have nothing better to do
than indulge your caprices—
but you're not an amusing
pet, a fashionable idiosyncrasy.
not to me.
you are dust in my lungs,
haze in my eyes,
the frantic screaming of a
trapped animal
behind my voice at all times.
when you get too heavy to drag around
you simply pull me down.
would you care to count the days
that you've shackled me to my bed,
immovable, half-dead,
without the will even to open my eyes
and see you?
I am not your plaything.
please, leave m
a study in futilitysometimes it seems as though
my life
is a series of relapses.
I’ve learnt the ropes
by now,
I know just the way it goes:
I can map out every curve and bump
and depression
of recovery,
I can sense the end
of each golden-aged
dynasty
miles before
it actually happens.
that doesn’t make it easier.
no Sisyphean task
is any better
because you can feel the boulder
start to cut into your palms,
feel your ankles
start to twist, feel the ground
beneath you
start to shift.
every time I fall,
it feels like the first time.


Depression by The-Orange-Ribbon

shitthere are going to be days and weeks and months when I can go about my life with any semblance of interest and ones when I can’t, and ones when I can eat anything remotely approaching the recommended daily value of food and ones when I can’t, and ones when my heart is pounding and my blood is quicksilver and my muscles are shaking and every impulse pours through me and out of me in tumbling ecstasy and roils beneath my feet like waves bearing me up, and ones where the waves swallow me whole and riot above my head and invade my lungs and press, press, press
there are going to be days and weeks and months when I can feel and I can think and I can see the purpose of living, of just being alive, of writing and doing and thinking and creating, and there are going to be ones when it’s everything I can do not to end everything in the impulse of the moment, when I can’t help but think are moments like that worth moments like this
there are going to be days
Project Save MeDon't ask me how I am
when I'm silent too long;
tell me you know I'm pretending,
tell me it's okay to fall apart,
tell me you'll catch me
if I climb too high
and can't find
a safe way down.
Don't tell me I deserve better
when I get hurt again;
tell me I'm an idiot,
tell me you're not surprised
I crashed and burned,
tell me the truth
because no one else will.
Don't offer to swap war stories;
I don't want to hear
about your heartaches,
I just want someone
to fix mine.
Don't tell me
they'll get what's coming to them
after they've left me broken;
understand
that I give too many chances
because that's the only thing
I really know how to do.
Understand
that when I forgive them,
I'm not thinking
about the fact
that they've hurt me a thousand times;
I'm thinking
about how much lighter I feel
without the weight
anger adds.
Tell me it's okay,
tell me it's not my fault,
but don't ever,
EVER,
tell me to just get over it.
That's unforgivable.
Tell me
you'll always be there
and then prove it;
people
Curing Depression in Seven Easy Steps1. apologize profusely to
the ones you were honest with,
the ones who believe in you,
the ones who never cared,
the boy who thought you were
worth it, the girl who stayed up
all night to hear you breakdown,
the doctors, the nurses, the stars,
your scars, your little brother
who told you he hoped your sad
would go away, yourself
2. fall in love with someone
who doesn’t understand you.
write poems about his eyes being
a lighthouse, and his hands
being sirens. tell him he is
your happiness, he makes you
better. tell him his scars are
beautiful, he is so breathtakingly
beautiful that it’s reasonable
you should cry; love him
infinitely, love him like they say
you need to love yourself
3. eat away emotions
you didn’t realize you had. eat
when you’re sad, eat when
you’re bored, eat when he forgets
to call. eat when you think
you’re the only person alive
in a dead universe, eat when
you don’t remember when you
were last happy; pretend
the emptiness is


Attrition by 3mmI Free by Selunia My Inner Demon by ErinM31

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Alistair Theirin

x F!Cousland Abandoned Sanctuary by Evalyne The heroes of Ferelden take up their blades alongside a cast-aside heroine from Eorezea.

x F!Cousland Alistair by Phsbarbie DAO from Alistair’s POV. (complete)

x F!Cousland Blood Bond by Zelara80 DAO Wardens of multiple origins work together to fight the 5th Blight. Also F!Tabris x Zevran. (complete)

x F!Cousland Shifting Paradigms by MerlindaDragon DAO (complete)

x F!Cousland To Become a Grey Warden by MoonSword1994 DAO (in progress)

x F!Mahariel Remnants of the Past by queen-of-stories Alistair is king but in love with a Dalish elf Warden. (complete)

x F!Surana The Fereldan Chronicles by ParisWriter DAO (in progress)

x F!dancer A Dancer and Her Knight by Greenleaf1075 DA Awakening (in progress)


Anders

Sine Tranquillus by The-Arkadian Anders survives a head wound that should have killed him. (complete)

x F!Hawke Dragon Age by tyrna DA2 (complete)

x F!Hawke Falling by reelirish DA2 (in progress)

x F!Hawke Maps and Legends and Life & How to Live It by SurelyForth DA2 (in progress)

x F!Hawke My Lioness by MelpomeneTears1 DA2 (in progress)

x F!Hawke Pieces of You by MelpomeneTears1 DA2 (in progress)

x F!Hawke Unrelenting Desire by lcfever DA2 (complete)

x F!Hawke What is Justice? by Elywen DA2 (in progress)

x F!mage Broken Souls by Defira1985 DA2 (in progress)

x F!templar Apostate's Templar by andruil (in progress)

x Fenris
Apostate Chronicles by The-Arkadian Anders is hurt and Fenris must get him to safety. (in progress)

x Fenris Days Like These by elendraug AU Tevinter Roadtrip:
Leto and Anders are on the run from their masters and end up hiding together. (in progress)

x Fenris De Intus Lupus and Desiderata by The-Arkadian AU in which Fenris can take the form of a wolf. (complete)

x Fenris Ne Quaesieris, Non Dico by The-Arkadian DA2
Anders escapes the Gallows after a year of solitary confinement and is found by Fenris, who does not realize the man is a mage. (complete)

x M!Hawke All These Things... by anniewulf DA2 (complete)


Aveline

x F!Hawke Don't Look Back by Miranthia (complete)


Cole

x F!Trevelyan Canary by mothmanaintshit (complete)


Cullen Rutherford

The Coming Storm by R2sMuse Knight-Commander Cullen responds to an urgent summons to Val Royeaux and faces a difficult choice, setting in motion a series of events that will change the face of Thedas. (complete)

x Bethany Hawke The Knight Captain's Favour by Defira1985 DA2 between Acts I and II (complete)

x F!Amell A Shattered Amell by FoxFaceGaming A young apprentice with a terrible fear of templars meets an unexpectedly kind young man. (in progress)

x F!Hawke Dark City by CelticWolfwalker Trouble brews between mages and templars in a dark modern AU Kirkwall. (in progress)

x F!Hawke Fool's Errand by R2sMuse After allowing Hawke to escape Kirkwall, a disgraced Cullen must find her. (complete)

x F!Hawke Knight's Bloom by R2sMuse Hawke and Cullen navigate a new friendship after the Battle of the Gallows. (complete)

x F!Hawke A Mage's Heart and a Knight's Love by manda091987 DA2 (in progress)

x F!Hawke What Counts by R2sMuse DA2 Act 3 told from Cullen’s POV. (complete)

x F!Lavellan From Gold to Dust by Fyrefly12 DAI (in progress)

x F!Lavellan Heart in the Tempest by Ellysiumdreams AU story with Prince Cullen and the Witch of the wilds, Nesira Lavellan. (in progress)

x F!Lavellan I Don't Want to Die by OnlyIfItsFluffy post-DAI (in progress)

x F!Lavellan To the Void and Back by ElCapitan18 DAI (in progress)

x F!Surana Watashi no Hikari by Zelara80 Duncan never came to the Circle Tower. These are the events that took place before and after Uldred took over... (complete)

x F!Trevelyan I Found a Reason by NevaraAlyss DAI (complete)

x F!Trevelyan Head Over Feet by bakaprincess85 DAI (complete)

x F!Trevelyan The Mark of Fate by mpcreates DAI (in progress)

x F!Trevelyan Metamorphosis: Herald of Change by AuriV1 DAI (in progress)


Dorian Pavus

x M!Lavellan Edge of Paradise by SpudPretzel DAI (in progress)

x M!Lavellan Semper ad Meliora by Erandir Lavellan was born a slave in Tevinter but granted freedom on account of his potential as a mage. Still, he must scrape and claw for the recognition that his human peers take for granted. (in progress)

x M!Trevelyan Beyond Life by TovarasNightroad Dorian struggles with family expectations in Tevinter. (in progress)

x M!Trevelyan Bitter and Twisted by Fyrefly12 DAI (in progress)

x M!slave Tevinter Men by Merwild Pre-DAI: Heryn is a slave in a Tevinter brothal. (in progress)


Duncan

x F!Cousland Of Love and Death by TheLoneInquisitor DAO (in progress)

x Riordan The Narrow Path by Gaspode5 and olivegbg A story of Riordan and Duncan’s adventures and unlikely friendship before the 5th Blight. (in progress)


Fenris

Danarius Codex by koogee4 Fenris origin story (complete)

Freedom Bound by JulianGreystoke Fenris origin story (complete)

Property Claim by EmberFalcon What if Hawke failed against Danarius? (in progress)

Would I Wash Upon Your Shore by Torilund AU where Fenris never escaped Danarius and Hawke flees Kirkwall to Tevinter. (in progress)

x F!Hawke And Her Name was Rem by wazubababi DA2 (in progress)

x F!Hawke Candlelight Child by Glyphron DA2 (in progress)

x F!Hawke The Cold Moment by Glyphron DA2 (complete)

x F!Hawke Dark Dawn by evilami Post DA2 (in progress)

x F!Hawke Dark Pearl by Billini Modern AU (in progress)

x F!Hawke The Demon Born by nomibubs Post DA2, Fenris serves the Templars as a mage hunter. (in progress)

x F!Hawke Forgive and Forget by Fyrefly12 DA2 (complete)

x F!Hawke Hearts in a Jar by takingcasualties DA2 (complete)

x F!Hawke Little Wolf by Samhainophilia DA2 (in progress)

x F!Hawke The Lyrium that Binds Us by manda091987 DA2 (in progress)

x F!Hawke The Meaning of Regret by MelpomeneTears1 DA2 (complete)

x F!Hawke The Phantom by Glyphron DA2 Phantom of the Opera AU crossover. Here is the glory of fame and love, riddled with obsession and even possession. (complete)

x F!Hawke Remember by Shadow--Soul DA2 (complete)

x F!Hawke The Reliquary Mage, A Simple Task and Heart and Home by Zara-Arletis DA2 (complete)

x F!Hawke The Strength Inside Me by bakaprincess85 The writer find herself transported into DA2. (in progress)

x F!Hawke Hawkquisition by durandir DAI Also M!Trevelyan x Josephine and Carver x Merrill (complete)

x F!Hawke With No Invitation by Sorceress-Nadira DA2 (complete)

x F!Hawke The Wolf and the Hawke by Phsbarbie DA2 (in progress)

x F!Hawke You're Mine by ToNyEmBlEy Fenris objects to Isabella making moves on Hawke. (complete)

x M!Hawke Lions and Wolves by AmandaSylvia after DA2 (in progress)

x M!Hawke Lyrium and Ashes by ErinM31 Hawke surrenders himself to Danarius to save Fenris and is taken to Tevinter. (in progress)

x M!Hawke Until We Bleed by FenrisDeSolar Garrett and Fenris fight each other. (in progress)

x M!Hawke and xAnders Walk Softly and Carry a Big Axe by its-in-the-water Post DA2. Danarius returns to reclaim his property and captures the Champion instead. Fenris, aided (or hindered) by Anders, must strike out through a world in pieces, to rescue the man they both love and somehow keep from destroying each other in the process. (in progress)


Gereon Alexius

x F!Lavellan Vita Mea by NorroenDyrd DAI The disgraced magister finds new life and love with Lavellan. (in progress)


Iron Bull

x F!Adaar Riding the Bull by Philliwolf5 DAI (in progress)

x F!Lavellan Illuminated by Origami-Orange DAI (in progress)


Isabela

x F!Hawke Rogues Have All the Fun by RebelATS DA2 (complete)


Jowan

Levyn by tankgirly Jowan's story after the events at Redcliffe. (complete)

x Alistair Just a Little Rose by TovarasNightroad Post DAO (in progress)

x F!Brosca Stone and Sky by LupusYondergirl DAO (in progress)


Leliana

x F!Mahariel Tale of Lenya Mahariel by Vralenalien DAO and DAA (in progress)

x M!Tabris The Grey Path by ThePhoenixKing DAO (in progress)


Loghain

x F!Amell Solace Amidst the Chaos by sn0w0wl DAO (in progress)

x F!Cousland Cracks in the Mirror by Zenana83 DAO (complete)


Merrill

x M!Hawke Beyond Help by VeronikaKru DA2 (complete)


Morrigan

x F!Cousland Skinny Love by Archristol DAO (complete)


Nathaniel Howe

x F!Cousland Desire by MikaniaC DAA (complete)


Sebastian Vael

Sign of the Maker by emmav DA2 (complete)

x F!Hawke The Bonny Prince by CelticWolfwalker pre-DA2 (in progress)


Solas

x F!Lavellan Enchanted by ClassyNerd16 DAI (in progress)

x F!Lavellan The Past is the Past and Nothing Remains in the Past by mothmanaintshit DAI (complete)

x F!Lavellan Through Her Eyes by mothmanaintshit Modern AU (in progress)


Zevran

Crow's Requiem by Zelara80 DAO (complete)

x F!Amell Blue Skies by LupusYondergirl DAO (in progress)

x F!Amell My Reason Is You by lcfever DAO (complete)

x F!Mahariel Vhenan'ara by ArcanisBorn DAO (in progress)

x F!Cousland Blood Bond by Zelara80 DAO Wardens of multiple origins work together to fight the 5th Blight. Also F!Cousland x Alistair. (complete)

x F!Tabris Moments by LeonDoodlez Post DAO (complete)

x F!warden Molly Jones by Lesliewifeofbath DAO (in progress)


Dragon Age: Origins

F!Amell and M!Hawke Kings and Queens of Promise by Jordan-Frost92 (in progress)

F!Amell The Price of Duty by yuhime and RiHouston The young Circle mage, Lena Amell, is assigned to accompany a Templar hunter to investigate group of Maleficari. While they are away, the Tower is attacked from within by blood mages and demons. (complete)

F!Amell Progeny by Niksche The Blight is over, the archdemon slain... and Alistair, last scion of the Theirin bloodline, assumes the throne of Ferelden, forsaking the love of his fellow Grey Warden, Soraya Amell. Eight years after the events of Dragon Age Origins, the mage is once again thrown into conflict, this time to save Ferelden's mageborn from a Chantry gone mad and a desperate queen who will do anything to remain in power. (complete)

F!Brosca Of Dusters, Duty, and Darkspawn by Raven-Jadewolfe DAO (in progress)

F!Cousland I Am Grey by CelticWolfwalker DAO (in progress)

F!Cousland A Tarnished Cousland by FoxFaceGaming The story of a girl born to a noble family with an ability that could get her locked away - magic. She must grow up learning to control her powers in secret, until the fateful night that Arl Howe attacked their keep. (in progress)

F!Cousland Truth in the Blood by HarlequinRavenwing King Alistair and Queen-Consort Bronwen Theirin appeared happy. Ferelden was at peace and they had a son, but sometimes happiness is an illusion and when Guildmaster Zevran Arainai returns from Antiva, their lives will change forever. (complete)

M!Tabris Power of the Ring by Myridd DAO (in progress)

OC Idessa A Mage's Grimoire by huffitypuffity DAO (in progress)


Dragon Age: Awakening

F!Amell Never Boring and Apostates of Amaranthine by LupusYondergirl DAA (complete)

F!Mahariel Blood Song by Zelara80 DAA (complete)

F!Cousland Tattered Remains by JaphirTheGreenDragon DAA (complete)


Dragon Age 2

F!Hawke Blood Promises by Zelara80 DA2 The story of Jordan Hawke as she makes her way from being a Ferelden refugee to the Champion of Kirkwall. Anders/F!Hawke/Fenris triangle with a sprinkle of Isabela for flavor. (in progress)

F!Hawke I Remain At Your Side by lourdes23 Post DA2. Changed by betrayal, hunted and outcast, Hawke must find the strength to rise up once more in defense of a world gone mad. (in progress)

F!Hawke Me, Myself and Hawke by noturmary Feynrial had nothing but good intentions when speaking to Luca Hawke via her dreams. But something has gone terribly wrong. Hawke's mind has fractured into many... selves... and now she may never wake up. Summoning her companions to the fade, Feynrial hopes that they can find the true Hawke before its too late (complete)

F!Hawke Nothing Left by violet-greenacre Post DA2. After the bloody war between the mages and templars, there is nothing left for Hawke in Kirkwall. (complete)

F!Hawke Regret by WynBird Post DA2. Hawke knows two thing: First, if she and her friends don't run hard and fast, they're all dead. Second, Anders is never getting anywhere near her heart again. But when legendary Grey Warden Joseph Amell is sent to hunt them down, everyone will have to decide what's really worth fighting for... and how much they're willing to sacrifice in the name of justice. (in progress)

F!Hawke Through Blood and Pain by NevaraAlyss Post DA2. Anders/F!Hawke/Fenris triangle. (in progress)

OC Calenhad My Dearest Calenhad by Shaleene1 In every legend there is at least a modicum of truth. Varric wields words like a stone faced warrior wields steel. As listeners, we are entranced by the beauty and heroism and we easily forget that beneath the shining exterior lies a darker world full of pain and suffering. Some wounds never truly heal. Only when we look deeper might we learn how and why heroes are truly created. (in progress)

OC Victor Requiem by CelticWolfwalker Meet Victor, a man that washed up on the shores of Redcliff after Uldred's takeover of the circle in Fereldan. This templar doesn't remember the events at the tower or how he got to where he is. All he knows is his name and that he knows how to fight. Join his journey through the Blight and into the Free Marches, as he goes on a journey to discover who he is. (in progress)


Dragon Age: Inquisition

F!Adaar The New Ways of Old Gods by JulianGreystoke Post DAI. A new spirit is found and a new mystery arises. (complete)

M!Lavellen Prohibit Intimacy by CyberPunkSammy DAI (in progress)

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Looking forward

3 min read
I have thought a while of what I would write here... I have both lost and gained more in the past few years than I have in any other period of my life. I cannot say that everything is through, but am stronger and wiser than I was.

I have been reading more of late, including The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman. It was beautiful, elegiac and profound, a book that resonated with my soul and lingers long after the reading is done.

I need to create again. I read through what I have written of Lyrium and Ashes and there are parts that still make me happy and others that could use further work and the parts that I wrote on the first go through (before I even joined dA) aren't at the level of what I added later, but I cannot be forever reworking it -- especially when I have not even written it to the end! I do my characters and dear readers a disservice by not finishing it! This week I will post those alterations already made (small scenes to chapters 3 and 4 and a rewrite of chapter 9) and then it's on until the end!

A lot has changed here on dA! I have to figure out these new (to me anyway, lol) changes and features! :O But it has been inspiring to look through my favorites and also to see new work as well! :)

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The Unchosen by TomasClark

<da:thumb id="372702276"/>      excuses for why I'm shakingwe live in a world of apologies.
I made a mistake a year back,
choosing my addiction to oxygen
over less demanding things.
I’m sick of trembling for problems
that aren’t mine and I’m sick of trying
to romanticize black holes and
the indiscriminate nature of lithium and
I’m sick of waking up every morning
feeling sick. and truly, I’m sorry
but I’m not ready to accept my role
in the making of myself. I’m not ready
to lament for those with a smaller
pain tolerance, and for my dislike
of anything that requires commitment.
I’m sorry I miss you and I’m sorry
I won’t admit that out loud.
how scary is it to be something
so unalterably heavy, to be diagnosed
as your own worst enemy, but god,
you’re so fucking beautiful,
and not in the stereotypical boy
meets girl meets fairytale way, but
the kind that makes my heart
bleed a million miles quicker.
I just wanted to cry on all
your scars and wash them clean.
when things are bad for


Shedding the old skin by Lepa-Dinis   snakeI will slough off
all my feelings for you
like a second skin
for somebody else
to slip into


Automatonone day i asked him to rewire me and he did
and there was a key that opened up my ribcage like some safe
like it’s worth protecting what’s in there
and he cut open nerve centers and peered inside with his microscope eyes and
he fixed me, replaced lines of nerve cells with copper wiring and didn’t realize nerves are made in the synapses, in the spaces between the cells
he rewired me and left no spaces in my head and
i didn’t feel real anymore
   Automaton by Almacan

Mature Content

I 'm in to deep by Garden-Of-BlackRoses
   [ ]I am not crying because I lost him,
I am crying because I lost me.
I have given up,
tears dripping like burning wax down my cheeks
and into the candle.
It's dark, now:
I've said goodbye.
[I cannot hold on any longer.]


escape by poivre

<da:thumb id="408607750"/>   to map sunrises...one day I will tell my daughter to touch herself
before she ever lets a man do it for her, to learn
her body-secrets and the shape of pleasure. I will
tell her that San Francisco always keeps your heart.
that her skin is a blank canvas, that hair grows,
the value of the right kind of disrespect. that the older
we get, the more we need the people who knew us
when we were young. I will tell my daughter
to give away the secrets that keep her up at night,
and that there is never a wrong time to love someone,
but sometimes a wrong way. I will teach my daughter
to travel without makeup; that sometimes forever means
morning and sometimes the ends of the earth means
Africa or one city over. that it's okay to be afraid of
heights.
I will tell my daughter that life is teetering across
the bridge, that the panic building in her chest is okay;
that good love is waiting on the other side; that better
love is holding her hand; and that the best love is her own
voice in the back of her mind, saying "


Tempest by melannc

a self-portraitI am chaos theory,
that strange amalgamation of
order and anarchy,
fearsome and gorgeous
as a star, a galaxy.
look at my arms,
spiralling, stunning
as a Lorenz attractor,
attracting stardust to my centre,
my black hole,
my churning void of gravity.
are you brave enough to look
straight at me?
are you wise enough to see
the beauty in this fury,
deterministic matter
devolving into a haze of
the arbitrary?
I am a fusion of dynamical systems,
a point on a geometrical
manifold, and yet I am
so much more.
observing me does not collapse me.
I am infinite (im)possibility.


Don't leave me by flankers

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Spirit Day

6 min read
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